Twitter Funnies

Twitter has a feature that allows users to make favorites of tweets they like, I just don't see the point, but I've been doing it anyways. Here are my favorite tweets, I chose original (non reply) tweets that stand alone and hold way more than 140 characters of meaning or humor.

revision: Hard to believe that the scrawny kid who use to play with himself while reading Mad Magazine is now a prominent doctor.
-Neilochka

Up late watching Gymnastics. Doesn't Nastia seem like a cruel name to give a child; sounds like nasty and nausea
-Luckymom

"Now I need to bone my blue ball!" screams my 4 year old. I am really hoping he meant "I need to BOWL my blue ball."
-mommastantrum

Even though The Man has tried convincing me for years that tomatoes are a fruit, I have my doubts. Privately, I believe it's a vegetable.
-mochamomma


can you not try to act like you have cholera please???
-CrunchyCarpets



Bob Costas is like childbirth. Even if you have forgotten, the reminder of that pain in the ass is almost instantaneous when it hits.
-
Mommy4Cocktails

Sleep deprivation is catching up with me. Will spend the afternoon face down on floor while children use me as a jungle gym.
-WordToYourMutha

I swear by all that is holy if it rains for the NEXT 40 days here in FL, I'm starting on my damn ark
-AnissaMayhew

I have found the root of the world's problems. It's quite simple. Men. Are. Retarded.
-MissSueBurbia

I strongly feel the need to retweet @jkottke: "Accidentally waterboarded myself in the shower this morning." Nice one, mate. Nice one.
-Chuckumentary

I wish I craved exercising as much as I do chocolate.
-DarlaF

"This is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a twitter!" Fairly constant adoration for Patton Oswalt. Sue me.
-VelveteenMind


I just picked up a post-it note on the floor that has (in husband's handwriting) "KOREAN HOE-Curled? Cheap?" The hell? ;-)
-FabGirl

Marshalls is opening a chain of plastic surgeons with irregular, discontinued and offbrand boobs at low low prices!
-Stranahan (and actually, that one was a reply to mommastantrum


Billy Joel needs to apologize to me again for Tell Her About It.
-lauriewrites

Have you ever been out to dinner with someone and wished they only had 140 character to tell you something? I did tonight.
-poshmama

wow, DH used Wii Fit balance board to weigh his luggage.
-mamikaze

If rain is God's tears then the big guy just lost 3 mos rent at Vegas and is none too happy about it.
-chickybaby

Putting together a Radio Flyer for Ellie (who now crawls, stands, and just started her 1st tooth). I wish this month could last for 2 years.
-hotdogsladies

Beer is cheaper than gas. Drink, don't drive.
-busymom

I quit a job today.

Here's the letter I wrote

I'm done with this job, I hope you find someone who can put up with the wide variety of trivial personal preferences that each editor seems to have. One day an article isn't focused enough, one day it is too focused. (name of company) is great, the ever-changing whims of the editors, combined with stricter standards that I think they've all interpreted differently is ridiculous. I'd like to leave on good terms, I think the company is fantastic.

If I get fired

If I get fired, it is because I have violated some kind of rule by making the pretty widget instead of keeping the ugly widget on my site. Compare for yourself- let me know what you think.

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