Twitter Funnies

Twitter has a feature that allows users to make favorites of tweets they like, I just don't see the point, but I've been doing it anyways. Here are my favorite tweets, I chose original (non reply) tweets that stand alone and hold way more than 140 characters of meaning or humor.

revision: Hard to believe that the scrawny kid who use to play with himself while reading Mad Magazine is now a prominent doctor.
-Neilochka

Up late watching Gymnastics. Doesn't Nastia seem like a cruel name to give a child; sounds like nasty and nausea
-Luckymom

"Now I need to bone my blue ball!" screams my 4 year old. I am really hoping he meant "I need to BOWL my blue ball."
-mommastantrum

Even though The Man has tried convincing me for years that tomatoes are a fruit, I have my doubts. Privately, I believe it's a vegetable.
-mochamomma


can you not try to act like you have cholera please???
-CrunchyCarpets



Bob Costas is like childbirth. Even if you have forgotten, the reminder of that pain in the ass is almost instantaneous when it hits.
-
Mommy4Cocktails

Sleep deprivation is catching up with me. Will spend the afternoon face down on floor while children use me as a jungle gym.
-WordToYourMutha

I swear by all that is holy if it rains for the NEXT 40 days here in FL, I'm starting on my damn ark
-AnissaMayhew

I have found the root of the world's problems. It's quite simple. Men. Are. Retarded.
-MissSueBurbia

I strongly feel the need to retweet @jkottke: "Accidentally waterboarded myself in the shower this morning." Nice one, mate. Nice one.
-Chuckumentary

I wish I craved exercising as much as I do chocolate.
-DarlaF

"This is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a twitter!" Fairly constant adoration for Patton Oswalt. Sue me.
-VelveteenMind


I just picked up a post-it note on the floor that has (in husband's handwriting) "KOREAN HOE-Curled? Cheap?" The hell? ;-)
-FabGirl

Marshalls is opening a chain of plastic surgeons with irregular, discontinued and offbrand boobs at low low prices!
-Stranahan (and actually, that one was a reply to mommastantrum


Billy Joel needs to apologize to me again for Tell Her About It.
-lauriewrites

Have you ever been out to dinner with someone and wished they only had 140 character to tell you something? I did tonight.
-poshmama

wow, DH used Wii Fit balance board to weigh his luggage.
-mamikaze

If rain is God's tears then the big guy just lost 3 mos rent at Vegas and is none too happy about it.
-chickybaby

Putting together a Radio Flyer for Ellie (who now crawls, stands, and just started her 1st tooth). I wish this month could last for 2 years.
-hotdogsladies

Beer is cheaper than gas. Drink, don't drive.
-busymom